Ding Dong, the Bastard Gargoyles Are Dead.

YES.

YES.

YES YES YES.

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES
— Chris Spann (@cs87) February 28, 2013

The Gargoyles are dead. And the Undead Parish bell is tolling.

I have rang the first bell. Achievement.
— Chris Spann (@cs87) February 28, 2013

God damn, does that feel good. To use the word "achievement" is to understate the pride I feel.

Spann's Blight Town Promotional Brochure

I haven't been to Blight Town yet. I'm yet to ring the first bell, and even though I'm trying to avoid too many spoilers as I play through Dark Souls, I'm fairly certain Blight Town will be my next port of call once that first bell is a-dingin'.

I am already fucking terrified.

FUCK OFF DARK SOULS THERE'S SOMEONE AT THE FRONT DOOR

Let's discuss Dark Souls' main flaw.

Now, I'm sure some people will disagree with me on this one, because this is the internet after all, but I'm just going to straight up say it:

Dark Souls needs a pause button.

There, that felt better.

A Realisation.

Titanite.

I've got fucking Titanite. Like, quite a lot of it, I think.

I'm going to farm some souls, then upgrade my gear. Andre isn't far away from my current shortcut into the Undead Burg, and I've got a large Soul of an Unnamed Soldier on me.

Then, Bell Gargoyles, I'm coming back to your rooftops, and I'm going to fuck you with my axe.

PRAISE THE SPANN.

(I look forward to still being smashed into nothingness by the gargoyles. Also, I look forward to someone cleverer than I telling me that those large souls are used for something else.)

Let Me Axe You a Question.

Right. Dark Souls. I'm going in.
— Chris Spann (@cs87) February 26, 2013

Sorry I've not updated this more often, Dylan. (You're the only confirmed reader I have).

So, Dark Souls was played, and progress was made. A tiny, infintesimally ephemeral speck of progress it might be; but in the land of Lordran every single one of these microscopic blips of forward movement count for something - even if I am merely pulling myself up Dark Souls' rough masonry vertical learning curve by my fingernails.

I'm fucking shithouse at Dark Souls, basically.

I Ain't Afraid of No Balder Knight.

Progress has been made.

The Balder Knight guarding the treasure? Killed the prick. Sure, he killed me once; but the second time I two-handed the jerk back to... Well, I'm not sure where. But he's fucking dead, is the point - and I got the shield that he was guarding. It's a damn sight prettier than my previous shield, I can tell you that, but how much better it is I'm not too sure of yet.

There's No Shame In Returning To The Bonfire.

I get it now. There's no shame in returning to the Bonfire if you need to; the only shame is ending up back there because you were stupid.
— Chris Spann (@cs87) February 11, 2013

I had this realisation last night.

In most games, checkpoints are just that; a point in space that signifies progression. Checkpoints represent a safe zone that you can (usually) backtrack from safely, and allow you to press on, safe in the knowledge that not only was your last checkpoint not long ago, you're never too far way from the next one. Returning to a previous checkpoint is usually the result of you dying, running out of resource, or triggering some sort of failstate.

Dark Souls fucks that idea into a bin straight away.

A Beginning.

Hello.

My name is Chris Spann. I am, amongst other things, an occasional writer of words about video games (Mainly HERE), and a recent arrival in the world of Lordran.

Well, that's not true; a few months ago I started playing Dark Souls for the first time, but my stumbling idiocy left me in a position where I could reach the Taurus Demon, but was absolutely incapable of withstanding even a single one of his attacks. I had no souls, was level four, and hadn't even managed to kindle the first Bonfire in Undead Burg.

I gave up, and decided once again that Dark Souls wasn't for me; that it could frankly, fuck off and die.