Fucked in the Poison Swamp.

So.

There I was, fighting the Chaos Witch Quelaag. I'd already been slaughtered by her once (the whole jumping while vomiting lava thing caught me well off guard, in a corner, leading to a rather rapid demise), so I'd summoned a lovely, helpful player who bowed in front of me as he arrived in my little version of Lordran.

He then insisted on aggroing every single one of those fucking boulder throwers.

"For fuck's sake", I thought.


I fought one with him, but before too long I decided to leave him to his own devices and just wait for him to catch up with me in the giant spiders' nest that is Quelaag's domain.

Yes, of course he attacked the fucking egg carriers as well. GAAAH.

"For fuck's sake", I said.

Anyhow. We arrived in Quelaag's lair, and my helpful assistant carried on demonstrating the level of patient, measured combat that I'd already come to expect from him, and ran headlong at the giant lava spewing hellspider.

He lasted just long enough to be of practically no fucking use whatsoever, and left me face-to-face with Quelaag once more.

"For fuck's sake", I howled at the sky.

Then, my sword's durability dropped to dangerous levels.

This was the first time that this had happened to me; After exploring Andre's various options earlier in the game, I had used this service a couple of times during my adventures - but my single hour long Dark Souls sessions have been getting longer and longer, so I just don't think I'd realised how knackered my gear was.

But! I'd bought the Smithbox from Andre earlier; I figured that I'd just chalk this death up to experience, repair my gear, summon Maneater Mildred, then have another go. Go hard or go home.

It was at this point that I realised the mistake I had made - one that seasoned players may have already noticed. Andre sells two different boxes: The Smithbox (which I had bought) and the Repairbox (which I hadn't bought) - and I bet you can guess which one I'd bought, thinking it repaired weapons.

"For fuck's sake", I screamed into a cushion while punching myself in the thigh.

My only capable weapon at this point was a +4 broadsword - and that wasn't doing anywhere near enough damage to Quelaag as it was. My other weapons didn't stand a chance, which meant that the only thing I could think to do was traipse back out of Blighttown (without a weapon of any real quality), through the Depths, then back through Firelink to Andre.

"For fuck's sake", I inscribed in the stars with a razorsharp spear, blade tempered by the incandescent weight of my rage.

As you can imagine, I was gutted. Blighttown isn't exactly a cakewalk with a decent weapon, and running is even more dangerous than fighting in certain areas of the rickety walkways.

It was at this point I cracked and consulted a wiki - I figured there must be a shortcut to the swamp down here, I just needed to find it.

I have to say, I'm glad I did it. I never would've thought of climbing that fucking waterwheel (What does it even power, anyway?).

See, doing so leads to a set of platforms, that lead to the valley of Drakes - which (provided you have a key), leads to New Londo Ruins (which is fucking terrifying and I don't want to have to spend any real time there), which leads back to... Firelink Shrine.

Anyway, skip forward a few minutes, and I'm back at the fog gate to Quelaag. I'm human, and Maneater Mildred is stood by my side - which makes me happy and uneasy in equal measure. I'm not entirely sure how much help an obese woman with a bag on her head is going to be, no matter how enormous her knife is.

"Eh, fuck it", I think, and step through the gate.

Well, it turns out Mildred is intensely useful. True, she did seem to get stuck in the gate a little bit, meaning that for the first few moments of the fight she just constantly walked into a wall, but once she got the hang of what was going on, I almost felt surplus to requirements.

Quelaag soon fell to Mildred (I prodded her with my sword a couple of times; it can't be said that I didn't at least help), and as Mildred faded, I ran to ring the second bell - completing the first quest I was given in Dark Souls.

Consider that for a second; upon arriving at Firelink, the first thing you're told to do is ring the two bells. Where most games would ease you into them by telling you to kill 5 skeletons, Dark Souls will not only punish you for daring to take on the skeletons straight off, it will also send you on a quest that will see you climbing to the highest point in Lordran, before descending into a giant drain to an area that looks like it might not be too far from the centre of the planet's core. This first quest took me seventeen hours of gameplay - and while I know seasoned vets can rock through this section in well under that, I'm told that my progress through the game has actually been fairly rapid for a first time player. Seventeen hours to complete the first task the game asks of you. That shit is crazy.

Anyhow, Both bells have been rung, and for some reason doing so makes a Giant open the enormous gate that the fat man with the metal onion for a head was sat outside.

I guess that's my next port of call, then. Roll on the next sixteen hours.