Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low.

First off, this.

Dark Souls. Why is the pool in Firelink Shrine snoring? DARK SOULS.
— Chris Spann (@cs87) March 1, 2013

I don't understand. Why would a pool of water even do that?

ANYWAY!

Last time, as you might remember, our plucky hero (It feels like the right time to tell you that my character is called 'Deadmeat') had rang the bell in the Undead Parish, had a new hat a renewed sense of purpose, and absolutely no clue what to do next.


Well, I decided for now that time spent exploring Firelink Shrine was time well spent - discovering that Mute Girl who upgraded my Estus flask was a lovely little bonus, and if I ignored the giant circular elevator that I was too scared to activate and the aforementioned snoring water feature, I was in fairly high spirits.

So obviously, I decided to go exploring.

I had a vague memory of a locked door not far from the firebreathing dragon back in Undead Burg - I'd found a couple of keys since coming across that door, so I figured hey, why not see if I can open the door - and if I can, why not go exploring?

Because that's the sort of thing you should think in Dark Souls.

After unlocking a gate back up to Upper Undead Burg, I met a dog.

The dog didn't have any skin. This, I found unnerving.

The dog proceeded to throw itself into a nearby fire, burning itself to death. I was a little confused by this, in truth - which meant the other two dogs bombing around the corner very much had an opportunity to strike. DEAD.

Attempt two went better: I took the dogs down by utilising the Chris Spann tried and tested method of kiting groups of enemies back into confined passageways then wailing on them with my sword, then doubled back on myself towards a few shining lights I could see.

The fact that those lights were something horrible should come as no surprise.

The flame toting hollows actually weren't too bad; I managed to lure them out in small numbers and cut them down before grabbing the twin humanities the were guarding. Things were going well.

So I made the Dark Souls Mistake.

Dark Souls players will know about what I'm talking about: Every so often, during your time playing Dark Souls, you will find yourself in a new situation for the first time and not perish - maybe you'll notice a trap before it goes off, or pull off some excellent parrying against of enemies you've not experienced before that leads to a great item. This leads to you making the Dark Souls Mistake - otherwise known as "being confident".

You make the Dark Souls Mistake, the game will fuck you.

Guess what happened?

Yeah. I got jumped by a load of black clad, thief looking assassin things. DARK SOULS.

DEAD.

The assassins took me down a couple of times before I twigged onto the best way of dealing with them - essentially you need to divide and conquer, and if you can get them up against a wall it pretty much mitigates their dodges, allowing you to jam a sword up them.

The next lot of thieves actually dropped fairly quickly, and I took the dogs backing them up out without too many issues either. I'd even cleared out the rooms of items as well, and had a load of new armour too - things were going well - and there was a fog gate just ahead too - what could go wrong?

NO.

"Shut up, Dark Souls", I might have actually said out loud, deciding instead to explore the set of stairs that (hopefully) wouldn't leave to dreadful, awful death. I spied an assassin up ahead, alone and unknowing.

Frankly, his mate hiding around the corner frightened me. Mini Dark Souls Mistake.

Following the corridor around, I decided not to grab the loot on the body impaled on the gate (because I can't shake the feeling that the moment I grab whatever it is the world will explode or my hair ill burst into flames or my character will just break down and cry for an hour or something) and instead went into the tower on the left. The archer fell in short order, and I then...

Well, to begin with I thought I'd met a talking wall that sold moss. Confusion reigned until I spotted those tiny, burning eyes in the darkness and realised that I'd met the female counterpart to the trader in Upper Undead Burg - maybe they were friends.

I didn't need any moss so I didn't by any, but that stuff that made your weapon all covered in fire sounded proper tasty, so I grabbed some before realising that the small, dark waterway I was in was very similar to another waterway I was in, that had a locked gate at the end of it.

Well, of course it turned out that this was actually that exact same waterway. Shortcut opened.

The sense of satisfaction gained from doing that never decreases, I've noticed.

What happened next?

Well, I devoted the next half hour to banging my head against a Capra Demon shaped wall, in truth.

Here's how a normal encounter against the Capra Demon goes:

• Traverse the white light.
• Capra Demon (and dogs) come charging at me.
• A quick, but intense maelstrom of shit whips up.
• DEAD.

None of my journeys through the Capra Demon's fog gate have lasted more than thirty seconds or so.

The dogs are a real issue: They're so quick and attack so rapidly they very quickly pin me to the spot, allowing the Capra to come in and slap me back to Firelink Shrine.

And with that, you're up to date. The Capra Demon looks like it could be a real issue: I never survive long enough to be able to start understanding the big bastard's attacks, and the combination of the speed with which he moves, his attack dogs and how hard he hits means that I usually end up trapped in a triangle of pain in very short order. I found a summon sign once, but that was the time I got caught out by one of the dogs outside the Capra Demon's domain - and I haven't seen one since.

I'm concerned that this might become a real issue. The game has been tough so far, but the Capra Demon is showing me what the fuck is up. I need to sort my shit out.

GAH.

DARK SOULS.