Finding Izalith, Part One.

In the end, Lost Izalith seemed like the best place to hit up first. Yeah, the way there was full of Taurus Demons and a Capra Demon, but I'd beaten these things before and now I was bigger, badder and less fucking terrified of everything; so I decided to set foot onto the blackened crust left underneath the poor, tragic Ceaseless Discharge.

It turns out, right, that the Demon Ruins are full of bosses, bonfires and very little else.

I have to say though, that first Capra is a revelation. You watch him run towards you like you did back in the Burg, but this time you can spot his tells and you dodge out of his way. You don't have the ledge to stun him anymore, but he doesn't have his dogs and in a one-on-one fight you can destroy him now. It's not trivial by any means, but do you remember ten to twenty hours ago when this fucker almost made you quit?

Of course, I felt like Billy Big Bollocks as I came down the stairs; I'd just wiped my arse with a Capra Demon. I was feeling confident and clever - I felt like I finally had mastered Dark Souls, and could deal with anything the game threw at me.

Yeah, I fell down the hole. Yeah, I felt the correct amount of shame for doing so - especially as on my second runthrough I noticed that the Soapstone message I'd skipped past the first time was warning me of it.

Seriously, that sudden rise and fall in confidence cannot be by accident - especially as it's not the only place in the game Dark Souls does it.

Time and time again the game gives you this intense feeling of power; it allows you to do something that makes you feel like a magnificent, throbbing monarch of achievement - before letting you do something completely and utterly embarrassing like walk into a bottomless hole, or find out that your new ultra effective weapon is worthless in this next section (see the lightning spear in Sen's, and your arrival in Anor Londo), before looking back at you, shrugging, and nonchalantly intoning "You Died" - the Sahara dry "how very silly of you"  is only implicit, but you hear it and feel it every time.

But anyway. This first section of the Ruins contains a bumload of Capra Demons - and the first time you manage to aggro two at once you'll once again be under no qualms as to who's on top in this player-game relationship - which I only recently found out that you can actually skip by jumping to the platform below (thanks to the guys at Bonfireside Chat for this little nugget of info, about a month after it would have been handy, but oh well).

Whether you go through or around the GoatFaced Killers, you'll end up staring at a giant maggot sticking out of a wall. This guy fucked my shit right up a couple of times (if he slams yo against the wall you're pretty much dead), but getting him dead is well worthwhile because he's obscuring a bonfire and doesn't respawn.

You're going to need that bonfire as well, because the next part of the game involves a load of firebreathing things, a Taurus Demon, and the Asylum Demon's bigger, more firey cousin.

Fucking hell, the Demon Firesage almost made me quit the fucking game. The arena is a pain in the arse (whether or not those branches break seems frustratingly arbitrary), his attacks require dodging later than you'd expect, and the fact that he doesn't do fucking fire damage is baffling for a thing called the Demon Firesage. He took me so very long to beat, and it was only through the help of the hairy knowledge God Gary Dutton that I actually managed to put the fucker down.

But yeah, he's a prick and there's something about his piggy little face and his stupid little wings that proper fucks me off.

What happened next? Oh that's right another fucking boss. And Solaire.

But that's for next time.

Lautrec, Anor Londo, and Conjecture.

So, here we are. Part two. The conclusion to the epic story.

The finale. 

The post where I finish what I started writing last night but then scheduled to post regardless of how finished it was because I needed to go to bed.

Lautrec the Embraced. The Firelink Shrine Murderer. That Gold Fucker. He's known by many names, but his involvement in the Dark Souls story is shrouded in mystery.

UNTIL NOW. 

I'm going to smash the doors off this gloomy corner of Dark Souls lore and fire a few truth arrows straight into the shield of unknowing. I'm going to raise my blade of insight above me, then cleave the stone of confusion that has cast a shadow over this land clean in twain.

Or, more likely, jabber on for a bit before saying "I don't know. Maybe it was aliens or something."

Lautrec, Anor Londo, and Questions.

Alright, I'm a little bit obsessed with Lautrec.

To be precise, I'm interested in a few things about what Lautrec is doing in Anor Londo, how he got there, and who he's with. I don't want to kiss him or anything.

In case you don't know, if you don't deal with (by which I mean brutally murder, of course) Lautrec before ringing both bells, he stabs Anastasia of Firelink right up then pisses off with her soul (thus extinguishing the bonfire) like the giant golden bellend that he is.

You'll find him in Anor Londo, just before you go to get turned into fine paste by Ornstein and Smough over and over and over and over again for hours - but there are an awful lot of questions that need answering about that.

YOU REVIVED

I am a shite, I know. I've not updated this squalid little corner of the internet in too long and I've made Dylan cry as a result.

Dylan, this is for you.

Since my last update on here, I've really very nearly almost completed Dark Souls. I've collected all four Lord Souls, opened the Kiln of the first flame, and collected bloody loads of Titanite chunks in all different colours - which may well give you an idea of the brick wall my character is currently running in to time and time (and time and time and time) again.

So, what follows is a quick chat about between Anor Londo and what you're supposed to do after Anor Londo - please remember that it's written in a way that reflects my thoughts at the time, and isn't necessarily representative of my thoughts now.

Ornstein and Smough: A Tribute.

I spent ten hours of my life playing Dark Souls with a huge shadow hanging over me.

I'd subdued the gaping dragon. I'd thrown the Iron Golem to his death from the top of Sen's Fortress. I'd even got past those fucking archers.

But Ornstein and Smough were a hard, cold wall - a wall I kept fruitlessly banging my head against.

I'd tried it on my own - and barely left a scratch on either of them.

I'd tried it with Solaire as a backup (using my last humanity) and got slaughtered by Smough's flying electric bum attack.

Fuck.

Anor Londo Revisited.

So, those archers.

Turns out, you can just kite them into walking off the ledges they're on, the stupid fucking idiots.

So I've moved on, met Solaire, got eaten by a Mimic, and tried to work out how the fuck that Prowler Demon got into that room.

Then I tried to fight Lautrec - I don't know why he's in Anor Londo or who his dickhead friends are (or why Anastasia left that Black Eye Orb thing), but I do know that running headlong into the three of them is a very bad idea - especially as it turns out you can't use Estus (which I didn't know until it was too late).

That's as far as I've got - meanwhile, I'm also trying to decide whether or not to enchant my longsword; I have a feeling that turning it into a lightning longsowrd is probably a good idea, but if I do that I'm going to have to spec another weapon for the inevitable future enemies who are immune to it - I'm thinking a Falchion, which I believe I can combine with Quelaag's soul to make something rather tasty.

Some Kind of Arch Joke

The Archers of Anor Londo.

Up until now, Anor Londo had been bearable. True, the game's decision that it had suddenly become Assassin's fucking Creed was a bit of an inconvenience, but the complete lack of swinging blades, narrow platforms full of enemies designed to stagger you but not be staggered or enormous firebombs was rather welcome.

But those fucking archers, man.

I can get past their arrows. I can reach the rightmost one. But I can't fucking do anything when I get there. kicking him doesn't move him, and all of his attacks send me flying (I'm usually low on stamina because of all the rolling I need to do to even reach melee range.

What do I do? I don't know if I can leave Anor Londo (The way you get there is pretty fucking spectacular, I'll say that) in order to find some ranged support, and I don't have many weapons that do any real pushback damage.

I have a horrible feeling I'm fucked.

Fortress Maximus

You know what? I'd rather do Blight Town again than Sen's Fortress.

Blight Town was an exercise in managing aggro, careful probing and adventuring.

Sen's Fortress is an exercise in being punished for not using a ranged weapon, getting sideswiped by things you can't manage and that you only get one opportunity at, and playing hunt-the-bonfire while this whole mechanical house of bullshit ticks and whirs malevolently against you.

So, Anyway...

...As I was saying.

First off, an apology to anyone who actually reads this nonsense - a couple of things cropped up recently that kept me from playing/writing.

Ahem.

I stand in front of you - I'll take the force of the blow.

I meant to write this post a long time ago, but I'm dreadful so I didn't. It's been sat as a title in my Drafts folder for the longest time, but I've decided to tackle it right now because I don't want this blog turning into "and then I did and then I did and then I did", like a child's summer holiday diary.

(Funny story: An ex of mine was almost investigated by social services when she was a child, as in her summer holiday diary she "wrote Daddy went to work and Mummy went to the pub" - her dad worked away, and her mum worked in the local pub, but would take time off when he was home. That's one's on the house.)

Fucked in the Poison Swamp.

So.

There I was, fighting the Chaos Witch Quelaag. I'd already been slaughtered by her once (the whole jumping while vomiting lava thing caught me well off guard, in a corner, leading to a rather rapid demise), so I'd summoned a lovely, helpful player who bowed in front of me as he arrived in my little version of Lordran.

He then insisted on aggroing every single one of those fucking boulder throwers.

"For fuck's sake", I thought.

There's Too Much Panic In This Town.

I have returned from Blighttown.

I don't want to be "that guy", but... well, frankly, I don't see what all the fuss is about.

A Postcard From The Edge.

Dearest Readers;

I hope this message finds you in good time.

I pen this missive from deep beneath the earth, hunched over a fire in the acrid tunnels of Blight Town.

The Chaos Witch Quelaag's domain lies ahead of me, but my attempts to defeat her have so far been fruitless. My weapon is in danger of becoming permanently damaged, and my hope dwindles faster than my reserves of Estus.

I thought I was prepared for my trip into the bowels of Lordran, but in my haste to ring the second bell I did not realise that I had bought a smithbox from Andre, rather than the very similar repairbox which he also sells. I am clearly a massive knob, and should pay more attention to things.

There is but one light shining in the darkness: The master key I was given when my journey began. I have heard stories of this key opening a door in the Valley of the Drakes that will allow me passage back to Firelink Shrine via the ruins of New Londo - leaving me but a short distance from Andre the Blacksmith in the Undead Parish. 

I cannot make the journey tonight, but tomorrow I plan on leaving the relative safety of this drain that I have made my home and bolting for the workshop of the Blacksmith.

Wish me luck, and Godspeed.

Deadmeat

Level 33 Hunter

I'm Going Deeper Underground.

Today, I ventured into The Depths once more.

I also went back to Darkroot Garden first though, so let's talk about that.

Y'know those Giant Stone Knights? I hate them. They're slow but they're dangerous, mainly because if you get too close to them they'll cast a complete pain in the arse of a spell that slows you down, stops you from rolling, and essentially means that you'll quite likely be seeing a bonfire pretty soon.

Furthermore, the even bigger pain in the arse thing about that spell is that there's no way of telling whether it's still active or not without getting affected by it.

And if you want the Wolf Ring (which is really bloody useful (I've learned properly about Poise recently)), you have to go through two of those fuckers. And some frog rays if you go about it the wrong way.

Fuckers.

Dedicated to the Butterfly.

I quite like Darkroot Garden.

No, that's a lie. I hate Darkroot Garden, like everywhere else in Dark Souls. Everywhere in the game is horrible, and I understand that that's the point. But Darkroot Garden feels like a squirming, living place that's oppressive in a way that leafy, green places haven't been since fairy tales, and that's kind of cool. After the enemies hidden round corners and dead ends of the Undead Burg, spending time in a place where enemies can appear literally from underneath your feet is quite exciting.

I'll probably write a post about it sometime soon.

Anyway. I spent a little bit of time in Darkroot Garden today. hat did I get up to? Well, I engaged in a number of pitched battle with the local flora and fauna, thanks for asking. I fought trees, bushes and giant red frog-hovercraft things, and I got absolutely annihilated by a few giant stone suits of armour.

The last bit kind of sucked.

Prowler Near The Garden.

I've got the Key to the Depths.

As you might remember, I yanked it from the corpse of the Capra Demon like the legendary hero that I am. I slammed my boot on the goat prick's skull, and pulled the key from between the flaps of tattered fur and torn sinew that I left lying in the dirt in the Undead Burg.

Of course, that doesn't necessarily mean I'm not shit-scared of the place, so I decided that for this addition to my Dark Souls diary, I'd go and do anything at all that wasn't heading closer to Blight Town.

La Petite Mort

The Capra Demon is dead.

Or, as I put it more succinctly at the time:

SUCK MY BUM CAPRA DEMON YOU'RE DEAD AND I'M NOT HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. It's actually kind of easy if you can get up the stairs.
— Chris Spann (@cs87) March 3, 2013

And here's the weird thing: The Capra Demon is quite easy. "Easy" means a different thing in Dark Souls to most other games admittedly, but once you get two things clear in your head, the fight is actually fairly simple.

Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low.

First off, this.

Dark Souls. Why is the pool in Firelink Shrine snoring? DARK SOULS.
— Chris Spann (@cs87) March 1, 2013

I don't understand. Why would a pool of water even do that?

ANYWAY!

Last time, as you might remember, our plucky hero (It feels like the right time to tell you that my character is called 'Deadmeat') had rang the bell in the Undead Parish, had a new hat a renewed sense of purpose, and absolutely no clue what to do next.

Ding Dong, the Bastard Gargoyles Are Dead.

YES.

YES.

YES YES YES.

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES
— Chris Spann (@cs87) February 28, 2013

The Gargoyles are dead. And the Undead Parish bell is tolling.

I have rang the first bell. Achievement.
— Chris Spann (@cs87) February 28, 2013

God damn, does that feel good. To use the word "achievement" is to understate the pride I feel.

Spann's Blight Town Promotional Brochure

I haven't been to Blight Town yet. I'm yet to ring the first bell, and even though I'm trying to avoid too many spoilers as I play through Dark Souls, I'm fairly certain Blight Town will be my next port of call once that first bell is a-dingin'.

I am already fucking terrified.

FUCK OFF DARK SOULS THERE'S SOMEONE AT THE FRONT DOOR

Let's discuss Dark Souls' main flaw.

Now, I'm sure some people will disagree with me on this one, because this is the internet after all, but I'm just going to straight up say it:

Dark Souls needs a pause button.

There, that felt better.

A Realisation.

Titanite.

I've got fucking Titanite. Like, quite a lot of it, I think.

I'm going to farm some souls, then upgrade my gear. Andre isn't far away from my current shortcut into the Undead Burg, and I've got a large Soul of an Unnamed Soldier on me.

Then, Bell Gargoyles, I'm coming back to your rooftops, and I'm going to fuck you with my axe.

PRAISE THE SPANN.

(I look forward to still being smashed into nothingness by the gargoyles. Also, I look forward to someone cleverer than I telling me that those large souls are used for something else.)

Let Me Axe You a Question.

Right. Dark Souls. I'm going in.
— Chris Spann (@cs87) February 26, 2013

Sorry I've not updated this more often, Dylan. (You're the only confirmed reader I have).

So, Dark Souls was played, and progress was made. A tiny, infintesimally ephemeral speck of progress it might be; but in the land of Lordran every single one of these microscopic blips of forward movement count for something - even if I am merely pulling myself up Dark Souls' rough masonry vertical learning curve by my fingernails.

I'm fucking shithouse at Dark Souls, basically.

I Ain't Afraid of No Balder Knight.

Progress has been made.

The Balder Knight guarding the treasure? Killed the prick. Sure, he killed me once; but the second time I two-handed the jerk back to... Well, I'm not sure where. But he's fucking dead, is the point - and I got the shield that he was guarding. It's a damn sight prettier than my previous shield, I can tell you that, but how much better it is I'm not too sure of yet.

There's No Shame In Returning To The Bonfire.

I get it now. There's no shame in returning to the Bonfire if you need to; the only shame is ending up back there because you were stupid.
— Chris Spann (@cs87) February 11, 2013

I had this realisation last night.

In most games, checkpoints are just that; a point in space that signifies progression. Checkpoints represent a safe zone that you can (usually) backtrack from safely, and allow you to press on, safe in the knowledge that not only was your last checkpoint not long ago, you're never too far way from the next one. Returning to a previous checkpoint is usually the result of you dying, running out of resource, or triggering some sort of failstate.

Dark Souls fucks that idea into a bin straight away.

A Beginning.

Hello.

My name is Chris Spann. I am, amongst other things, an occasional writer of words about video games (Mainly HERE), and a recent arrival in the world of Lordran.

Well, that's not true; a few months ago I started playing Dark Souls for the first time, but my stumbling idiocy left me in a position where I could reach the Taurus Demon, but was absolutely incapable of withstanding even a single one of his attacks. I had no souls, was level four, and hadn't even managed to kindle the first Bonfire in Undead Burg.

I gave up, and decided once again that Dark Souls wasn't for me; that it could frankly, fuck off and die.